Ego Death & Sovereign Rebirth

When I was younger, I wanted to fit in and believed I had to lie about myself to avoid rejection. So, I did.

This developed into chronic people-pleasing. I would say yes to everything, without any thought on how I felt about it. I would make sure to go ‘about and beyond’ so that people would be happy with me.

When people weren’t happy with me, I did whatever I could to appease them – including shaping myself to fit in with their beliefs of how I needed to be, who I could be friends with, and the degree of closeness I could have with certain people.

I would avoid conflict and convince myself that others were right; I was wrong, and I had no right to be upset. Boundary was not a word in my vocabulary.

All the while I felt so ashamed of who I was that I continued to bury her, to the point that she was gone. I couldn’t hear her anymore. All I could hear was all the things I was doing wrong, all the ways I was screwing up, and all the ways I wasn’t good enough. I constantly felt like I had to ‘atone’ for my past actions.

When I began my business, I did the same thing. I set it up the way others told me I should. I created programs that others told me I needed to create. I chose a niche and tried to mould myself to fit that.

I wanted approval.

I wanted to prove myself.

I wanted to ‘do well’.

I followed everyone else’s instructions, and what I thought people would want, without any thought on what it was that I really wanted.

 Until I couldn’t do it anymore.

 To go through an ego death is to dissolve all identities and roles that you have given yourself. It is to clear away all constructs that you have created about who you are, who you need to be, and how you need to show up in the world to be loved.

 One by one, slowly, my egoic patterns around control, people-pleasing, rescuing, how I wanted to be perceived, striving, achieving, productivity, forcing, gripping, shame, and judgement all came to the surface.

 As they slipped away, I started to feel like a stranger in the world. I felt like a baby starting afresh.

 Who am I? What are my beliefs? What do I do with myself day-to-day? How do I choose to live my life? How do I express myself from the truth of who I am?

 This was rough. Whilst this journey has ultimately brought me home to myself, it was not an easy process by any means.

 I spent hours on the mat in embodiment practices. Hours of coaching. Hours of wandering around in nature. Hours of journaling, meditating and processing my feelings. Hours sitting with the anxiety, the fear, the shame, the grief, the despair, and letting it all work its way through. I spent over a year with all of this.

 Then one day, there was a shift.

Joy started to creep in. Bliss, happiness, excitement, and intense levels of love that I’ve never felt before. I went all the way down, and I knew that I had now come all the way through.

 I’m now in a space where I do not need approval from anyone to be who I am. Any shaming or judgement from others doesn’t affect me like it did. It still hurts, but I don’t take it on.

 I have embodied self-love from within and so I don’t need to seek love from others. My relationships are fuller and more beautiful because I am not seeking to gain external validation. We are simply sharing love.

 Now that I have found myself, I will never abandon myself again. For anyone, or anything.

 This is not the same as disregarding other people. Setting a healthy boundary is very different from maliciously acting out.

 One thing that can happen when we set a boundary is that there may be conflict around it. Especially with someone with whom there have been no boundaries for a long time.

I find it helpful to remember that boundaries allow each person to grow and develop. Each party has an opportunity to learn about themselves, find creative solutions, develop resilience, and discover they can do things they previously thought weren’t possible.

 These conflicts can really hurt. But the truth is, it is never personal even when it feels like it. Others will respond based on their beliefs, patterns, and values; as will you. Nothing is permanent and emotions always pass.

Remembering that we all do this helps me to stay compassionate and forgiving. Remembering how much I went through to get to where I am now reminds me to honour where everyone else is on their path, too.

 This post ended up being way longer than intended, so I’ll finish up here and leave you with this.

 We have this one life. If you believe in reincarnation, the soul will have many lives and experiences; but this current life will only happen once. You are ultimately the creator, the director, and the storyteller of your life.

 There is no way to avoid pain – it is part of the human experience. There is no way to control the world around you. But you always, ALWAYS can decide how you will respond. This is what it means to be sovereign.

 We are all equal beings. In the spiritual world, there is no hierarchy because we are all made up of the same thing. If the big bang started the Universe, we have all come from the same place. This means that you are just as important, unique, and worthy as everyone else. You have to be, because at the deepest level we all have the same origins.

 We are all sovereign. Releasing the grip of the ego allows us to remember this.